I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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