so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
