I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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