I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
