I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
