i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
