Do you still have your period?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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