i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
