i don't like sucking hair
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
