i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
