I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
