After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
