I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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