Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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