you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
