I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
