oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
