I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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