Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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