You can't special order awesome
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
