Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
