i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
