It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
