How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
