Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
