Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
