No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
