his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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