i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
