fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
