Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
