I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
