but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
