i used baking grease as lip gloss
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
