It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
