i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
