Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
50% drunk capacity currently
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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