Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
