I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
