Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
