i think my tv is drunk
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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