lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
