I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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