i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
