I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
