why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
