I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
