I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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