morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
