I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
